ANGEL

Walking down the street, a man hears a voice: “Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you.”

The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk.

The voice shouted, “Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die.”

The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

“Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”

“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.

“Oh yeah?” the man asked. “Where the hell were you when I got married last week?”

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DEAD AGAIN

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”

THINGS THAT MEN NEVER SAY

— Let’s watch Lifetime.

— Sex is overrated.

— I don’t want to go too far on the first date.

— Yes, your sister does have bigger breasts than you.

— Don’t we owe your mother a visit?

— I’m relieved I don’t have a large penis weighing me down.

— Dessert goes right to my hips.

— I hate when I miss Oprah.

— Does this suit make me look fat?

— I’ll never get tired of listening to Dido.